Dennis "El Presidente" Martinez: MURDERER!!
It was all Dennis Martinez' fault. MURDERER!!
It was the end of the 1995 baseball season, with the last place Twins finishing up another dismal year. The Cleveland Indians riding high on top of the AL Central came to the Dome in September.
"El Murderosi" was on the mound, serving up a pitch to our beloved Sparky Pluggett, when "KAPOW!!" Kirby went down. The image of blood pouring from his face is indelibly etched into the very fiber of my brain. This was essentially the last at-bat for Kirby as a professional baseball player, as the following year he was forced into retirement after losing vision in his right eye due to glaucoma.
So they say!
Doctors proclaimed that this beanball of death had zero to do with Kirby's glaucoma. But, it sure is a strange coincidence that after 12 wonderful major league seasons with the Twins, Kirby all of a sudden went down faster than Anna Nicole Smith on her 90 year old husband.
Ever the gentleman, Kirby rode off into the sunset with nothing but kind words for Martinez, who also was at Puckett's retirement announcement. Kirby went on to accept a management position for the Twins, but it became apparent after not running the bases and working out regularly, the only thing Kirby could manage was a box of doughnuts.
Kirby did not adjust well to life off the field. He was publicly disgraced following allegations of abuse and cheating, resulting in a divorce from his wife. An article in Sports Illustrated painting a portrait of a different Kirby we all grew to love. And an infamous groping incident in a restaurant. Following his acquittal from this incident, Kirby packed up and moved to Scottsdale AZ to live out his final years.
Now, Kirby is gone. And it's all Dennis Martinez' fault.
Had this beanball not occurred, who knows if Kirby would have had to retire. Had he remained an active player, he most likely would have stayed in shape. He probably would have went on to get 3000 hits, and could have went on to be a manager. Had he become a manager, he never would have groped that woman in the restaurant, and left town, only to eat himself into a stroke.
But "El Fucko" had to ruin it for Kirby, and for all of us Minnesota Twins fans.
Thanks a fuckin' lot, you smelly fuckin' beaner. You drug lord from Columbia, or wherever you came from. I hope you're happy for throwing that shit at Kirby. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, and I hope you rot in hell.
Anyway, God Bless Kirby.