Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Dennis "El Presidente" Martinez: MURDERER!!

It is a sad day in the Twin Cities. Our beloved Kirby Puckett, superstar of the Minnesota Twins, passed away yesterday at the young age of 45. It was said that Kirby died of a stroke, but I know otherwise.

It was all Dennis Martinez' fault. MURDERER!!

It was the end of the 1995 baseball season, with the last place Twins finishing up another dismal year. The Cleveland Indians riding high on top of the AL Central came to the Dome in September.

"El Murderosi" was on the mound, serving up a pitch to our beloved Sparky Pluggett, when "KAPOW!!" Kirby went down. The image of blood pouring from his face is indelibly etched into the very fiber of my brain. This was essentially the last at-bat for Kirby as a professional baseball player, as the following year he was forced into retirement after losing vision in his right eye due to glaucoma.

So they say!

Doctors proclaimed that this beanball of death had zero to do with Kirby's glaucoma. But, it sure is a strange coincidence that after 12 wonderful major league seasons with the Twins, Kirby all of a sudden went down faster than Anna Nicole Smith on her 90 year old husband.

Ever the gentleman, Kirby rode off into the sunset with nothing but kind words for Martinez, who also was at Puckett's retirement announcement. Kirby went on to accept a management position for the Twins, but it became apparent after not running the bases and working out regularly, the only thing Kirby could manage was a box of doughnuts.

Kirby did not adjust well to life off the field. He was publicly disgraced following allegations of abuse and cheating, resulting in a divorce from his wife. An article in Sports Illustrated painting a portrait of a different Kirby we all grew to love. And an infamous groping incident in a restaurant. Following his acquittal from this incident, Kirby packed up and moved to Scottsdale AZ to live out his final years.

Now, Kirby is gone. And it's all Dennis Martinez' fault.

Had this beanball not occurred, who knows if Kirby would have had to retire. Had he remained an active player, he most likely would have stayed in shape. He probably would have went on to get 3000 hits, and could have went on to be a manager. Had he become a manager, he never would have groped that woman in the restaurant, and left town, only to eat himself into a stroke.

But "El Fucko" had to ruin it for Kirby, and for all of us Minnesota Twins fans.

Thanks a fuckin' lot, you smelly fuckin' beaner. You drug lord from Columbia, or wherever you came from. I hope you're happy for throwing that shit at Kirby. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, and I hope you rot in hell.

Anyway, God Bless Kirby.

RIP Puck

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Everybody Duck...Cheney's got a gun!!!

HE's Comin right for us!

It's been a helluva couple weeks here kids. I've spent a lot of time lately on Brian Michael Bendis' website and message board at www.jinxworld.com and really having a good time. Oh, and if I win the Powerball tonight I can't wait to get to work on Monday to tell em all to kiss my ass. For that reason alone I know karma will not allow me to win, but who knows.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

GTFOTP: The Middle East

Sarge here, with another edition of my favorite posts, "Get The Fuck Off The Planet". This time, instead of choosing a number of individuals, I am focusing on an entire region.

It's time to nuke the middle east. Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan...the whole area. Bomb the fucking shit out of them so there isn't even a microbe left alive. It's time!

I don't see what there is to discuss. These people are too stupid and dangerous to live. On top of all the other recent news coming from that region, the latest is that they are outraged over a mother fucking CARTOON!

Some cartoonist in Denmark goes and draws a cartoon which appears in a Danish newspaper, apparently casting their stupid fake prophet Muhammad in a negative light, which sets the entire Islamic community into apeshit mode. 5000 people jumping around in a big mosh pit, calling for the head of the Danish president and the cartoonist.

Jeez, what if Mort Walker drew Beetle Bailey and Sarge going into a mosque to pee on the walls? Mort Walker would become the next Salman Rushdie, forced into hiding for 20 years!

All this hostility, coming from an entire race of raging assholes that believe blowing themselves and others up will get them into heaven. Fuckin' A, let's speed up the process for them! Is there another race on the planet that goes out of their way to be laughed at? It's pathetic. I mean, this is the last race of cavemen on the planet. They will forever live in dirt houses, deny themselves modern day conveniences that we over here enjoy, refuse to elect democratic leaders that wish for peace, and couldn't fight to protect themselves in a war if they tried, because they are too fucking stupid.

Their only weapon is to drive a beat-up old Subaru loaded with explosives into a crowd, hoping to take a few of us out. Isn't that like bowling? We are being attacked by bowlers! Does it make any sense? Here it's against their beliefs to accept our way of life, but in their quest for martyrdom, they must drive vehicles built in the countries they hate, to blow themselves up.

The picture above reminded me of something really funny. If you want a really good laugh, check out this skit from Saturday Night Live back from 2002, with Robert DeNiro as a Homeland Security Spokesman:


Seriously, our only hope is that these goddamn apes don't get a fucking nuclear bomb. Get this fucking shit overwith now so generations of our kids don't have to deal with this bullshit.

Over and Out!


Wednesday, February 01, 2006


You do what I say...you go here now, bitch!


Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Rest in Peace Chris Penn

Fuck. I can't believe this shit...http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?s...ment&id=3843191

Chris Penn collapsed and died tonight. At only 43. Damn it. He was great in Footloose, but really made his mark on me with his portrayal of Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs. I know he'd led a wild lifestyle lately and was a pretty hefty guy, but it still really sucks to hear about this. We lost a good one today, folks.


Man...FUCK dis place!!

Sarge here, normally with a lighthearted parody of something in the entertainment world, but NOT TODAY!

What a CRAPPY day! I took off yesterday because I was out sick, due in part because of this bearded butt shit I work with who came into work sick all of last week, causing myself and everybody else to catch his fuckin' germs. I'm in customer service, so naturally when I take the day off, I come back to a gazillion fuckin' things to do. That's why I didn't stay home today too. So the first thing that happens when I come back to work, my bitch of a supervisor who looks like a damn wrinkled-up old Hobbit with 1980's hooker-from-the-Sunset Strip-metal scene-hair and teeth that look like gray fangs starts in on me the MINUTE I get here. No time to sit down, get my orders, and filter through the ton of shit in my e-mail in-basket.

I mean, I'm still not feeling 100%, and in many ways I feel shittier today than I did yesterday when I stayed home. But me being the STUPID ASS that I am, I come to work! Then that Teutonic Twat has the unadulterated GAUL to come over to my desk to give me shit because I hadn't started the stupid assignment she wanted me to take care of no less than 5 minutes earlier. Is it OK if I breathe some air first, Boss-mastah? Fuckin' bitch! I'd stomp her like a fuckin' goombah if I could. What is this, goddamn Shawshank? Where's the laundry room, do I need to worry about being Andy Dufrane getting raped by the sisters? If I didn't need the fuckin' benefits and the fuckin' paycheck each week, I'd quit this hell hole.

Then this big fat walking tar beast that works upstairs in the accounts payable department starts literally YELLING at me because I simply needed some information from one of her lackeys to credit a customers account. Like I want the information for me personally!? Hello, just doing my job, you Scooby Doo villain... She ought to be lucky I don't call the fucking whalers and have her fat ass harpooned and brought back to the Bering Sea where she escaped from. She's like one of those whales that get caught under the ice and need kind people like myself to drill holes in the ice so she can breathe. Fuckin' walrus...she looks like Chumley from Tennessee Tuxedo. Bitch.

All I need is one more stimuli before I go postal up in this bitch. Fuckin' money they pay me here aint worth it! Too bad it ain't March 17 today, I'd go drink green beer until my kidneys turned into damn Shamrocks.

How's that Phil Collins song go? "I don't carrrre any-mo'. You hear me I don't care NO MO!"
Ahhh...I had to vent.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Wanna laugh?

LOL, holy shit! This is Funny as hell!

Enjoy!!! Especially lawman Chris, if he's reading.


Weekend thoughts

So it’s been something of a blah weekend here, I’ve watched the first five episodes of Firefly on DVD and I am absolutely loving it. I just finished watching Timmah on Meet the Press lying his ass off by asking Obama if the Abramoff scandal is a bipartisan one since 34 % of his money went to Dems. Obama should have called him a liar on the spot and corrected him. He did a decent job of it, but not far enough. Later though when Timmeh Pumpkinhead Russert asked a similar question to Carville and Begala he sort of corrected himself, but not really. Begala did a better job of clarifying than Obama did but it should be the message among Dems as a whole right now to cram the facts down the collective throats of folks like Russert and Matthews and Howell at the Post and all the others. Let them all know repeatedly so they stop lying to the public that Jack Abramoff has never once in his life given one fucking dime to anyone but Republicans. Ever. Also, just because some of Abramoff’s clients / victims gave some of their money to a few Dems that has nothing to do with this scandal. It is nothing more than a distraction and a way for Repubs to make it appear that they are a little less tainted “if everyone else was doing it too”.

On another front…

Go here for some new X-men 3 pics and a spoiler filled review!

As for the X3 review / my humble thoughts...

This movie is seriously going to suck big time. I will not see it in the theater, might buy it on DVD since I own every comic related film to date (even Man-Thing). This new review is not the only reason I'm not going to see it either. From minute one when I read a few different reviews of the script it sounds from this review that they were all spot on then. I've heard stories about how the Fox suits have wanted this franchise dead for a long time and I think this will do it. It's as if they took everything Singer had done in the past and destroyed it as payback for him doing Superman instead of this. Cyclops, Mystique, all the different pairings and relationships previously established simply destroyed for no apparent reason. Then of course there is the Storm crap. Honestly, why the hell would you give her that much screen time? If she said that was the only way she'd do the film how hard is it to say fuck you and recast her role? Seriously, I don't think it would have been a big deal. I really hope and pray that the film does poorly and FOX drops the franchise. Then Marvel could take it back and make X-men 4 with oh, I don't know Joss Whedon maybe at the helm? Gambit would be nice. Return of Nightcrawler would be nice too. Seriously, FOX fucks up everything. Firefly, Family Guy, Arrested Development, now the X-men franchise. I'm thinking of a t-shirt ala the Marvel one from Chasing Amy that says "FOX can suck my cock"...any takers?


Friday, January 20, 2006

Little Mac, funeral and reaction

Sarge here, with one last note on the passing of Little Mac.

His funeral took place today in his hometown of The Bronx, NY. Many boxing legends were in attendance, and hundreds more paid their respects to a great champion.

It was a closed casket ceremony, as nobody really wanted to see Mac with his gaping head wound, as well as the permanently frozen expression on his face after choking on his own tongue when his life support system became unplugged. The song predominantly and fittingly played during the ceremony was "Heaven Needed A Champion", which was heard many times in the early-to-mid 1980's when wrestlings' Von Erichs were dropping like flies in Dallas, TX.

Not to get off topic, but what did the Von Erich's think they were, lemmings?

Anyway, despite the beautiful send off, several of Mac's former opponents took the opportunity to say the following about Little Mac:

The most notable absence from Mac's funeral today was Doc Louis, still wanted for questioning by Las Vegas investigators for his possible role in Mac's life support machine being unplugged.

Anyway, I know when I'm beating a dead horse. This is a dead issue. (Austin Powers reference)

On that note, have a great weekend!